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It's 10:51 pm. Last time, I wrote about my absense. And man, has it been long. I'm still absent. No one sees me or knows me anymore. I've been forgotten except for those who either need me, or have to interact with me. And I feel sad. I want to tell people I feel sad with all my heart, but I also want to keep it to myself. I don't want their pity, or their god damned therapy. I just want to be left alone. But I also want to be with everyone. I.. I don't know what to do with myself. I have too much time. Suddenly, when I hear about murder and suicide, it doesn't seem so daunting or hard to do. It just seems like an action. I'm lonely. And tired, all the time. I sleep enough, I assure you. I just.. Never get any rest from it. I'm exhausted, and yet my brain never stops. I'm just a pool of knowledge. A useless pool of knowledge, since no one notices me or acknowledges that what I have to say could be useful. *sigh* I'm Nation, I'm cold, and I'm going to finish my pizza.
It's 11:39am as I begin to write this. You know.. lately, I have had time on my hands. Not just a little time, a lot. Due to foreseen circumstances out of my control, I have about.... 3/4 of a day of free time daily, void of any human contact. It gives me time to think. Thinking is all I do. I have monologues in my head, and arguments, situations, scenarios, stories, and everything else under the sun. I have lyrics and quotes. Thoughts and wants. Feelings and needs. I analyze things and strategically plan things, Things that won't ever happen. I feel like Amelie in that one french movie. Actually, I basically AM her. And I have to tell you, I have no particular feeling about anything. Well, anything but if my food is hot or cold. Whether I have Coffee or Tea. But that's it. What is to become of me, is my question? In my absence, people move on with life, and do other things.. They speak to my everlasting shadow. Sometimes I'm there to reflect the shadow's shape, sometimes not. It's like I have an alter ego. Inside, I'm eternally thought and theory driven. Outside, my alter ego is the old me. The old me in a happy form. People think I'm doing better. I'm less depressed. I was never depressed in the first place, no one took the time to notice, though. They slapped a label on me and tried to get me to talk about my 'problems', or go outside because the sun and air is better. I really, really couldn't care less. They can think I'm depressed if they would like. There is a quote somewhere that says 'the faults people find in other people, are the faults that, ultimately, they will have.'
I try not to fault people. Maybe that makes me look depressed. I'm pensive. I'm not depressed, and I'm not happy. Yet, not apathetic. Pensive, is the word, I think. A comparison I could make, would be Dumbledore, in Harry Potter. He comes off as happy, jovial. He's slightly awkward to talk to due to the his blunt declaration of the obvious. He is not depressed, merely pensive. He listens, and he speaks, but he regards his words as mere words, and not opinions. He is... unbiased, if you will. But not in such a way that he is weak person to be trampled upon. Because he is not. But he will gladly be trampled on to save someone else. It's quite a good comparison, I think. Me and a fictional old guy, lovely. I am Nation, And in my absence, I am pensive.
It's 10:07pm as I begin to write this. I'm back.. again. Back with a question; Why the fuck are humans such a dominant fucking race of being? One second we're all 'Protect our planet! RECYCLE! RECYCLE! Conserve resources! Stop overpopulation! BLAHBLAHBLAH', and the next second we're all 'it's just ONE water bottle, the planet isn't going to die. It's just ONE species of frog/mosquito/bird/animal, we can live without it.' My constant refrain; What the fuck is wrong with us? Why do we feel the need to be the most dominant, all knowing, completely judgmental, pigheaded, fucking assholes ever? So we have motor skills and bigger brains, does that mean we get to pick what happens to so many other living things? ESPECIALLY when we can't take care of our planet. When we misuse our resources, and most deceptively misuse each OTHER. How can we support others when we crumble from within? Humanity has lost it's touch. And I think it's unacceptable. This has no point except to escape my anger. I've escaped, I'm Nation, and I'm out.
It's 4:54pm as I begin to write this. I have been really busy lately with my family and friends. It seems that all I do is make sure everyone else is entertained, listen to people's problems, make sure that I don't sound depressed when I'm around people, and keep everyone Else's world turning. And I don't mind. It makes me happy to improve other people's lives. It's just... when I take a second, to write music, or write poems, read something, or write something... Nothing is coming to me. I was writing music... and I managed to get a whole song out, but it wasn't up to my standards at all. Nothing in it was enough. It described my current emotion, but it didn't FEEL the emotion; there was no substance. I didn't know what to do, and I STILL don't know what to do. I feel empty. I feel so.. vacant. I feel, so it's not apathy, but I don't feel anything substantial. And it hurts. The only reason I even made this blog was mostly because I won't talk to people about my problems, because their all too damn pitying. I hate pity. Pity is for the weak, and I am no weak person. This is why I write, even in this moment. A computer screen can't pity me. My major problem, though, is this: The last thing my mom took my younger(deceased) brother to was a drum class, where you make your own drums and take them home. Well, the day after that class my brother died. The guy who taught the class got wind of it, and called my mom up, and they decided to try and raise money for the cause. My mom has been trying to raise money for the PWSA (Prader-Willi Synrdome Association) for research into a cure. My brother died of Prader-willi, and she want's research done. A couple of weeks ago she got a call from this drum maker, and he said "I have awesome news" and went on to explain that the creators of Van's Warped Tour came to one of his classes, and approached him about a deal. The drum maker was to come to the tour and help all of the bands make a drum, the drums would then be auctioned off on Ebay, and the 100% of the proceeds would go to a charity of his choosing. He said he would love to do it, and then explained about my family, and the PWSA, and they said they would be delighted to donate the funds in my brothers name, and invited us to come help all the bands make the drums, and gave us backstage passes to any location we want.
My problem with all of this? I'm not excited. Not in the least. I get to go meet a few of my favorite bands, go backstage, hell, even just go to Warped, and I'm not excited, AT ALL. What is WRONG with me? I never really was Susie Excitement, but I would normally be excited at THIS. I don't even know what to do with myself. I put on a good show for my family and friends, told them I was uber excited, and that I would bring guitars to get signed. Except, I'm not excited, and why would I let someone's permanent marker ruin a perfectly good guitar? Dammit. I just want to be normal sometimes. And then I realize that if I was normal, I would be ignorant of what it's like to be in this situation. And then I realize that there are far worse places to be than acting like a drone. I also realize that this post is entirely too long, so; I'm Nation, I'm warped up, and I'm signing off.
It's 9:45 pm as I begin to write this. So today I went to a wedding of a family friend (He used to give me piano lessons, and gave my brother and sister voice lessons). I'd bought these pinstriped cargo pant thingies, and I had on a kind of tailored cami. Well... Stupid me didn't think about the amount of fuss that would cause in the male population there. I literally couldn't push my hair out of my face without getting stared at openly. So I sit around, texting a friend at the reception, and listening to the horrible people singing at the 'open mic'. And I'm realizing, how much we all crave the company of the opposite sex. Think of all of the people who 'hook up' JUST to fulfill sexual desire... Maybe not even sexual for some of them, some of them just need attention, and sex is the way to get it. Let's have another insight into the life of Nation, hm? Right now I'm sitting around watching 'Untold stories of the ER'. Watching a doctor who's been on the job two hours, pull a fork out of a girl's throat. Besides the fact that this show makes me want to turn 18 already and get approved to cut people open, it's re-iterating a thought process I put into a song a while ago. In those words: 'We're all ten seconds from being with God, Two inches from heaven above, Five minutes from really feeling love.' Or, in other words, we can all die at any time, regardless of what's going on in life or how fulfilled we are.
Are you catching on to how these two stories tie in?
Why do we take SO little time out of our lives to try to find someone to love? We could die and not have found anyone, missed out on knowing what that's like. We all walk around, some of us think we're in love, some of us know we're not, some unsure, some unknowingly in love. I, like many others, spend plenty of time wondering if I should be out there, looking, Instead of inside daydreaming about it. But, yet, I don't want to spend my whole life out looking just to be disappointed over and over again. Because we're disappointed, oh yes. Even with losing someone we don't particularly have feelings for. We're always disappointed. More disappointed in ourselves for not finding the 'right one' this time. There is a quote, believe it or not, that was said by the creator of Mary Kay cosmetics;
Most people live and die with their music still unplayed. They never dare to try. -Mary Kay Ash.
I don't want my music unplayed, but I don't want to overplay it and get sick of it. Where's the balance, and how do you play on the edge of it? For now, I'm Sitting on the fence, I'm Nation, and I'm going to watch the news.
Imagine, for a moment, that life is a song... It starts out very...
Tentative. Comfortable, yet, new somehow. A safe haven. A reggae type
melody, if you can see it as such. But here’s a different shadow
emerging through the light.
Slowly building, moving through a crescendo into a new, unfamiliar
section. Slowly you begin to understand what's going on, and you enjoy
it. Enjoyment comes with understanding. But wait, as soon as you’re
comfortable, here comes a new part. But…It's less frustrating than
before, you know the drill.
And suddenly, with a grand decrescendo, you’re back to your familiar movement from the beginning.
Quite nice, we hit a nice allegro rhythm, hanging in between the timing of upbeats and downbeats.
Eventful, peaceful, and nice.
But, suddenly, everything comes to a standstill for a moment, a moment of understanding.
But now you’re on a whole new level, and this calls for a new movement.
No longer can you be safe and warm in your roots of a beginning melody.
Scared though you are to plunge into the unknown, the melody changes regardless.
You’re in your bridge, a hook, if you will.
In the middle of everything, every single understanding, every single second of your life is adding up.
It's becoming too much, crescendo's are going crazy. The energy is
flying like flower petals throw to a hurricane. It seems odd to you how
everything used to seem simple, and now it needs so much more thought
and explanation.
But...It's not so bad. You understand now. You slowly feel yourself
moving back in time with the chorus. Familiar, but different somehow.
Empowered.
You govern it now, you do not let it govern you.
Yet, you can feel an end coming.
It must come, it's inevitable, completely unstoppable.
You’re in your last measures, and life as you know it is using up it's
last energy. Moving from the bright sunshine, into the shade.
The sunshine is nice, but it's blinding you. You cannot see what's in
the shade. You know it's pleasant, and calming. You can feel the shade
calming your burnt skin.
But you still can't see, you don't know for sure.
You’re almost absorbed by the darkness now, and you still can't see, blinded by the light embedded in your retinas.
And, almost as if the sun is finished setting, your in the dark.
The rhythm is over, the groove is up, the melody has played its part, and the life is over.
The song is finished.
The question is; what do you see now?
It's 4:39pm as I start to write this. All feeling has returned. Monotone no more. I want to scream, but I can't be loud. I want to beg for mercy, but I refuse to admit I need it. I want to live free, but I'm chained up. I want to feel, but if I feel then I'm vulnerable. If I'm vulnerable, I could get hurt more. I haven't gotten hurt in so long... Why start now? It's not like I could be free, even if I fought. I'm a minor... I'm sick of hearing that everyone has problems! I want to be in a third world country, I want to help people with REAL problems. I can help! I'm able! I....I'm tied down, however... Tied down to so called 'problems' and alleged 'struggles'. Bound to lying and faking to keep everyone sane. I'm lying to liars... How Ironic. It's ironic how I can be a 'great kid' and a 'beautiful daughter' and have 'great judgment'... A great kid who lies to you. A beautiful daughter who is, almost subconsciously now, keeping you from struggle. Great judgment... That explains why you 'trust' me so much. (not) I'm good when you need me, an inconvenience when you don't. I'm talented when you feel like listening to me, loud when your not in the mood. Competent when you need someone, Incompetent when I want freedom. I think I just described a pawn. A pawn that you move around to areas of your choosing. Mmmm... Fuck you. All of you. I don't want to lie to you. I don't want you to know the truth either. I don't want to be happy, I want to be content. I don't want to be HERE, I want to be far, far away. I don't even want your trust or love(if it exists). I just want you to go away. Forget about me, and let me live. Let me go. Let me out. Let me breathe. Let me feel. Let me love. Let me be myself. I'm Nation, I'm a whiny ass teenager, and I'm going to go now.
It's 8:04pm as I begin to type this. I'm staring at my sister's laptop keyboard wondering what I want to write about. I'm having an utterly serious conversation with a friend and I want to write while I talk.. but... I don't have a thing to write about. I've written about God, Life, Pain, Heart ache, NOT feeling, Not thinking.... What else is there? I just want to wander through the minds of everyone on the planet. See it from all sides, you know? What does that guy from the supermarket think of me? What would he say at my thoughts? How much does that guy from church like that girl? Who lies? Should I care? WHO should care? Should everyone lie? Should everyone tell the truth? What do people lie about? Is Gandhi REALLY that great of a person? Is Stalin really that BAD of a person? I want inside of people's heads. I'm Nation, I make no sense, and I'm going to crank up the Zeppelin for a while.
It's 9:25pm as I begin to write this. Everything from that post yesterday.. About being able to feel... Today it's gone. And I'm actually a little miffed by it... I normally LOVE rain... And It's raining. Today.. I couldn't even get up enough desire to go open the window. ...This is not good... I couldn't get up enough enthusiasm to talk to my friends or boyfriend with any REAL stamina. My friends needed help... and I tried... My attempt was pitiful. The only thing I've had a real desire for today is a burrito. And I finally got it, and I barely want to eat anymore. I just want to be asleep.. But I don't want to lay down. I want to stand up and run, but I don't want to move. I want to be warm, but I don't want to put forth any effort to get warm. I want to write lyrics, but I can't get anything except blank pages in my mind. I want to write this blog, and it's coming out in shambles. What is wrong with me? I have a boyfriend, I have GREAT friends, I have an AWESOME brain, I'm clothed, I have a roof to live under, I'm fortunate, I have EVERYTHING within arms reach... And I'm not happy. Yet.. I'm not unhappy either. I can't get up enough strength to be miserable. Miserable at best... is a song by Mayday Parade.. I think it conveys what I feel like... I'm not miserable, that would actually be a FEELING, something to build off of.... I'm just... Here.
As a spin off... I'm here for EVERYONE. I'm everyone's advice well, rant well, help well, love well, suck-it-the-fuck-up well, Protection, and safeguard... Is being there for everyone making me monotone, so to speak?
I guess SOMEONE has to be reliable.. I guess I'll be monotone if I have to... If I'm not,. countless others must be to make up for it. Why would I bring that upon someone else? But yet.. Why would I bring it upon myself? Do I hate myself that much? Or do I just love everyone else too damn much? I'd gladly shoulder the whole world's burden if it would make for a peaceful world. A happy place, where everyone can live... and I can take their worries. I'd gladly take over for God if I could fix hatred and pain. I don't know... For now... It's 9:39, I'm Nation, and I'm monotone.
It's about 1:10pm as I begin to write this. I've been listening to Pink lately, she strikes a chord with me in a personal way. She has a song called 'Lonely girl' that hits me right in the stomach particularly strongly.
The lyrics go as follows;
I can remember the very first time I cried How I wiped my eyes and buried the pain inside All of my memories - good and bad - thats past Didnt even take the time to realize
Starin at the cracks in the walls Cuz Im waiting for it all to come to an end Still I curl up right under the bed Cuz its takin over my head all over again
Do you even know who you are? I guess Im tryin to find A borrowed dream or a superstar? I want to be a star Is life good to you or is it bad? I cant tell anymore Do you even know what you have?
Lyin awake watchin the sunlight How the birds will sing as I count the rings Around my eyes Constantly pushing the world I know aside I dont even feel the pain, I dont even want to Try
Im lookin for a way to become The person that I dreamt of when I was sixteen Oh, nothin is ever enough Ooh, baby, it aint enough for what it may seem
Do you even know who you are? Im still tryin to find A borrowed dream or a superstar? Everybody wants to be Is life good to you or is it bad? I cant tell anymore Do you even know what you have? No
Sorry girl, tell a tale for me Cuz Im wondering how you really feel Im a lonely girl, Ill tell a tale for you Cuz Im just tryin to make all my dreams come True
Do you even know who you are? Oh, yeah, yeah A borrowed dream or a superstar? Oh, I wanted to be a star Is life good to you or is it bad? I cant tell, I cant tell anymore Do you even know what you have? I guess not, oh I guess not
Do you even know who you are? Oh, Im tryin to find A rising dream or a superstar? Oh, I have a all these dreams Is life good to you or is it bad? I cant tell anymore Do you even know what you have? No, no Do you even know what you are? A rising dream or a fallen star? Is life good to you or is it bad?
It has a kind of 'story of my life' vibe to it. I can be in the midst of hell on earth, and the only thing that keeps me sane is to find a way to appreciate what I DO have. What I have is a brain, the ability to feel an amazing amount of pain (it proves to myself that I'm still human), and the ability to still be SOMETHING, the ability to deal with the pain (Not many have that much of a threshold). I'm still alive, and I'm still myself, despite any events occurring. And that makes me feel lucky when I think of the billions of people everywhere on the earth who don't even know who they are. At least I know who I am, and I can be honest with myself. At least I can feel, even if it hurts like hell. I know how much I have... I know how many don't have anything close to what I have. I know many people have more, and I know I would trade either way any day. I want to see the end of the scale where I can't eat, I can barely breathe, I can't feel, and I can't see from so little nourishment. I want to see the end of the scale where I'm bored so often because everyone does everything for me and I'm just insane with money. Maybe I'll like it better where I am now vs. either of those two. I also would like to find a place inside myself where I'm none of the above. Where I'm nothing but a person, with no social standing, no malnourishment, no over-nourishment, no pain, no love, no nothing. I just want to be alive for the sake of being alive. For now.... I'm in the middle, I'm Nation, and I'm going to go be eaten alive my family activities.
